Besides, he was my cousin and I trusted him, so he never had to use force.
I am wondering if I am very guarded and uncomfortable when it came to my sexuality because my first sexual experiences had to be hidden (according to my cousin) and so I learned these acts were innately shameful and 'bad.' How can this happen when we were so young and the same age? That's what makes me write it off as purile and harmless. I wasn't sexually curious (I didn't even understand anything sexual) when I wasn't with him and I never even thought about about doing this with another person. I told one person (it's so shameful, I don't tell anyone) and that person blew it off 'you were just kids playing.' But the more I think about it and research it, I don't think it was so normal. I've never talked about it because I feel like both of us were at fault and we were so young, but my sexuality is really messed up and so my therapist and I have been digging into what factors could have created this. He was always the one in control, touching me and asking me to touch him in specific ways. He would show me sexual material and teach me different sexual words and actions. When my family moved closer to my cousin's family, my cousin (we were both 3) started taking me into closets and enticed me to play 'doctor.' This happened every time I saw him, which was fairly often and continued for several years.
